I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
operation have a gay friend backfired
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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