I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
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