Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
