So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
