Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
