My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
