i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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