I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
