I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
