I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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