After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Randomize
