I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
