you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He shit in the fireplace
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
