At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
