I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
