just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My underwear smells like fireworks.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
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