the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
