im gay
i know
yea but for you.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
