i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Randomize
