i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
