Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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