Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
