I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
