She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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