I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
