Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Dignity is for republicans.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
