When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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