Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
