Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Randomize
