A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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