You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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