I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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