just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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