I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
