Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
