Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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