I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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