I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
