someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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