I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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