my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
