If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
farters have to be the big spoon...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
