I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
