I want to stick my p in your. b.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
My pussy is not your playground.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
