I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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