I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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