I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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