Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
