he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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