dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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