Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Drake has all the answers
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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